Giving Thanks

Yesterday was such a weird day - I awoke so weepy and for most of the day just kept leaking - when you take time to think about all the things you are truly thankful for it is quite amazing what comes out. And the more I thought about things the more I cried. More than anything I had the hugest realisation yesterday that I am no longer independent.... I am totally wholly and lovingly dependent on my darling wife. I actually do not think I could make it through a day without her - when did it happen - this dependence on my mate, I thought I was hardened to so much and wow it sure did take me by surprise. But to be honest I have to admit I love it, I love sharing my life with someone who shares my passions, dreams and goals, I love the equality and more than anything I love the fun we have. The way we laugh or cringe at the same things, the way we do things in sync without realising - I just dont know when it happened - but yesterday I saw it and was so incredibly grateful for it. I am grateful for my health - OK I have a cough and asthma presently and feel like crap but one of my friends recently had a hert attack and another is undergoing treatment for breast cancer. My cough/asthma feels like a pimple in comparison. Minor irritation.
Anyway we had all the kids and our darling Frankie over and also some very dear friends. They of course asked what they could bring and I said nothing - just prepare something to share with us about what you are thankful for this year. And this is the beauty and essence of thanksgiving - we all found it uncomfortable, difficult and reluctant to share - some people really had to think, others like Jona just rattled off so much (bless him and his new words - latest - queff LMAO - fanny fart - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=queff). It just makes you think - it would have been so much easier to buy something to bring - like ice cream and cream - but to actually sit and talk about what is real and good and deserving of thanks is so hard - and it costs nothing.
I have a lot of love, I also have a lot of righteouds anger (as well as normal anger) and I also have a lot of forgiveness. I therefore disagree with the last thing said to me by someone dear - quote 'you have become one nasty little person for one who keeps telling me how loving and good she is' unquote.....

Such fun planning menus - it feels so 'normal'. I have missed 'family life' since being in the UK and nothing has ever really been 'fun' rather we have made the best we could out of every situation. I think it has been harder for the kids - they dont get to see grannies, auntie and cousins on birthdays and at christmas - even the family fights are fun 'brandy fucking custard' springs to mind - my how we laughed! I tend to go too far, buy too much, over compensate desperately trying to fill voids that just cant be filled. But mainly I just want to have the attitude that I cant be arsed - problem is - I am. My thinking has been challenged so much this year - the arrival of Frankie has helped me put so much into perspective. So much this year is for him. Christmas will be different - we fly to SA on Christmas day..... Leaving Scott and Lauren & Frankie behind, it will be hard, but kids grow and Mums are entitled to a life of their own (?). Of curse we will open prezzies with Frankie before we head for the airport and we will have a christmas eve dinner this year so we will still celebrate but it is just not the same. I remember the days of everyone at ours on Christmas day, chefs in the kitchen, marquees up, noise, laughter and of course the odd tear. Seems like a life time ago.

Anyway! Thursday - menu planning, inviting friends over (they have become surrogate family really) kids all at home, cant wait! I have the whole week to prepare and cook - to say I am in my element is an understatement. What I do know is that I will cook too much, eat too much, laugh too much, cry too much - that said I also know I will thrive on every moment and the opportunity to give thanks for my wonderful family and friends (near and far). I love you all xx PS menu pasted below - you are all welcome !

Thanksgiving – Thursday 26 November 2009

Roast Norfolk Turkey stuffed with Cornbread, chestnut mushroom and macadamia nut dressing, glazed with sage, apple and red onion chutney, accompanied with cider gravy & cranberry sauce

Served with:

Traditional corn biscuits

Roasted Red Rooster potatoes with parmesan and garlic

Pumpkin Fritters

Mac ‘n cheese

Green Bean Almondine

Roasted maple ginger carrots

Roasted sweet potato fries

Salads:

Waldorf Salad

Salad of romaine lettuce with marinated tomatoes

Chunky Beetroot, onion and apple pots

Dessert

Pumpkin, maple and cinnamon muffins

Pecan Pie

Pumpkin Pie

Fresh Cream

Ice Cream

Thanksgiving....

As I am reminded today at how impersonal online chatting can be and how much is misconstrued I find myself thinking of the week ahead and the fact Thursday is thanksgiving. Last year we were in Charlottsville with Craig and Robin - we went to Keswick Country Club for Thanksgiving dinner - I honestly think it has taken me a full year after to fully understand the concept of thanksgiving. I keep wanting to buy something for it - but there is nothing to buy - there are no cards - wow, the concept really does make you look inside and really think about gratitude and how to express it to one another. It is quite mind-blowingly simple in its practice. But we get so caught up in so much other commercial crap we for get the plain old normal easy (?) tasks of being grateful and thankful. Anyway this year this little family will be having a thanksgiving dinner and as I was telling my Mum about it this morning and explaining to her how this all feels I welled up and was quite tearful - I have so fucking much to be thankful for. So this year as a little family we will gather and we will talk about all the things we are grateful for over the past year - I fully expect a few tears and much laughter. And to celebrate this in style I have the menu for this years Thanksgiving dinner for Keswick club and I will be borrowing some of their ideas and recipes. Foremost in my thoughts are my family and dear friends - I will be remembering each one of you this year and I will give thanks for you in my life. I love you all x But most of all I love and adore you Dizee xxx

October - Suicide Month

I always think of that in October - I remember the dry heat and the dust and the longing for rain and I often wonder about the possible 'curse' behind the title - then I remind myself to stop being so stupid and superstitious :) But then I remember Ouzo - such a sweetie - I thin he killed himself in October, and what about Roden? Was that also October? I like to remember old and special friends but then somedays I wish there were things I just did not remember - like wasted lives. How morbid!

It is that old build up to November again - get through the kids birthdays - every year I vow it will be different but October always hits with a THUD. I swallow hard, grin and bear it, take my stand and get on with it. Lauren turns 21 this October - my oh my - 21! I have all sorts of goodies stashed away for her - I want it to be special. We get to have Frankie while she goes out and has a few drinks - good for her I say - but then inside me I hope she has sorted contraception - why is nothing just simple! Why cant we just be happy without nagging voices twittering away at us - taunting, waiting to have the last laugh? Loz my darling daughter (who has pushed me to the limits today) I love you so much, I wish you trusted me more and I wish you could talk to me - shit it hurts that you shut me out of so much and all I want to do is love and support you and see good and wonderful things for you - only good things. And Scotto - 25! quarter of a century - am I that old already? I wish him peace and all of lifes best - this is his year -they say that when you turn the age of your actual birth date (ie Scott will be 25 on the 25th) it signifies a veery special birthday - weird that - Brad was 20 on the 20th this year! Scott is 25 on the 25th - I wonder what the year ahead has for both of them. Scott I am sure has turned a corner - whew he has had a tough year but he is still standing :) I feel so proud at his strength of character - I have not always agreed with his decisions but he truly is a survivor in this life!

So I sit here pondering my heart today and why it weighs heavy and I hear Fi in the kitchen cooking dinner and my heart sings - I think I will go and get a hug :)

She is calling me - how weird - am outta here - hugs await me :)

I am truly blessed

30th Sept

My eyes have been all skew whiff today from sitting at my computer trying to finish off the programme for the group - but I realised today that I cant finish it until we actually start a group! So for all intense purposes it is DONE! Now to get it copy written and we wait for the first group to start - I am nervously excited and cant wait for the next step in my life - again so much is happening, so much just there - you can just taste it on the tip of your tongue but you just cant quite get your chops around it yet........

mmmmm Lamb chops for dinner LOL

Best I go cook

29 September - Butterflies and Peeps

Today I got crapped on by my sister for not doing my blog!

Things are exciting for me right now. Mt programme - Butterfly programme - is starting to develop, my butterfly is starting to emerge - I can see it, smell it, feel it and taste it! I have just taken on my first member of staff - that is such a strange feeling. We had a meeting this morning and finalised details and I am so pleased to have her on board - she is going to be an asset to or group. She is a Zimbabwean, she is a survivor - a true survivor and she is focused, passionate and determined - wow what more could I ask for! She believes in the programme and is just as excited as us to see this up and running - how lucky am I!!! She starts next week - the 7th - and will shadow e on a training day, after that she will co run the training with me - eventually she will do it all by herself :)

On to other issues. We have put in a bid on the house - it is so hard - we just dont know what to do and are in such conflict over it all. We love where we live and we have made this house 'ours' in so many ways. The thought of moving fills us with dread. So much has happened here and we just dont want to go..... But the owner is selling - for more than we can afford - anyway we bit the bullet and upped our offer and re submitted. We did that a week ago and heard nothing. Eventually we sent her an e mail saying er hum excuse me but???? So she says, well I have put in an offer on a house and if it is accepted I will consider your offer! So we wait, with baited breath, on tender hooks and every other saying I cant think of :)

But more than anything I am excited about the programme and groups - I am excited for all the women we will be helping and I am excited about getting this up and running :)

And my darling little Frankie continues to be the light and joy of my life (as well as my darling Fi) and I feel so fulfilled and lucky and overwhelmed with good things - I feel quite humble actually.

Oops - get carried away with something else - Facebook is down - I cant believe how much this is affecting my life! I suddenly realise how many people I cant get hold of because I only have their details on FB!! Best I do something about this and quick :)

Ok - I am off to make chicken and rice for dinner - yum yum

Day 8 - 8.11pm

Drank far too much champagne far too quickly - it was so delicious. Ended up on my bed with a severe migraine - not cool.

Frankie gorgeous - new pics on Facebook - he has such character already.

A really nice family day with yummy roast lunch :)